purified

that's the only word i can inject into the title bar...it's the only way to describe this beautiful process of melting back into a new mold based on the girl i used to be before my mental fling. this is my favorite part of...whatever this is...discipline?

God immediately points out the area He wants cleaned: the boy's space in my head was much too large in comparison to my First Love's position, and that needed to be compensated/re-arranged. I struggle, fight, compromise, wrestle with the issue, try to regain emotional control, and eventually drop my arms to my side in breathless exhaustion. It is then - and only then - that i have successfully (yet unpurposefully) vanquished any self-made image of pride in my mind, forcing me to realize that i'm helpless against this uncontrolled, sinful situation. I quickly recognize that God is the only One who can clean up the mess. my primary part in this self-defeating saga results in such an epiphany - it is my sole purpose to see how useless my will-power is against sin unless it is backed with the power of God.

now is my absolute most favorite part, as aforementioned. God steps in at the moment i submit and gently removes the ocean of tortured feelings sloshing around the fields of my brain, replacing it with sane, logical thought. yay! my brain is back! this step began to sink in somewhere around the 14th or the 15th, and i didn't see it coming until sometime yesterday. God is awesome; i love the way He makes me new and renews me in such a way that i can see it right away. He shakes things up just enough to make me uncomfortable or uncertain, but by the time it's over, i can look around and see unwanted, sneaky bits of fleshly indulgence i would never have noticed if He hadn't come along and pruned them away. praise God He never gives up on us! sometimes i'm tempted to think, "God, what did i do this time?" but He's so patient, and life is SWEET when He's through with trimming filthy habits.

This past experience made me realize how uncontrolled i am when i think someone likes me; it's a cautionary warning i must pay heed to. i'm often disappointed to see how immature i truly am, but it motivates me all the more to pursue God in such a way that i become something more beautiful and more mature than before. He's glorious and good, and i love Him! now i'm seeking Him through many books, and trying to understand how i can be ready for the next encounter with love or lust by researching them in biblical contexts and Christian books. i want to write about what i learn.