morning falls

some days feel like fighting through a swirling wall of tar.
i keep trying to fall into temptation while secretly hoping it won't happen. it's a stupid way to live a life in Christ - seeing as your heart's goal is to avoid tripping at all costs - but for the past five days or so, i have been analyzing and picking a relationship apart in a weak attempt to draw out a reason "why" i like a certain fellow who is currently unattainable.

i have already determined that now is definitely not the time to be interested in him, since both of us have much growing to do, and i'm already a little older than he is. however, the reasons i've pulled in favor of having an interest in him at all have nurtured my feelings even more. very unwise! indeed, although i am satisfied to realize the reasons why i'm attracted to him, now i must combat the emotions that come with that peace of mind until a later date when God may (or very well may not, in which case i trust i'll be perfectly content since i cannot intimately understand His every thought in this life) provide an outlet for my now-semi-controlled infatuation in a future relationship with this person.

until then, i am occupied with books i would highly recommend to anyone reading this journal. the best one so far is the one i'm reading currently; it's called not even a hint by Joshua Harris, an author i'm sure many may be well-acquainted with for his book I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Boy Meets Girl. i'm reading the former book as well, and it has a wealth of godly advice; i would recommend all of his books! not even a hint is an excellent book for its bold declarations of struggles we have as humans in the realm of lust, and it's helping me through my troubles quite a bit.

last night, as i was reading a paragraph he wrote at the end of chapter six, left me thinking seriously about marriage as a goal i should be striving for, and i have decided that i ought to begin shaping my heart into something beautiful for whoever it is i will marry.

i'm not a mushy person when it comes to falling in love, and if my mom finds this website at any given point in time, i'm sure she would be overjoyed. she's always known i want to be married, but the doubts that have grown in her mind are - i'm sure - overwhelming.

i'm always so resistant to sappy things just because i have an intense desire not to be like every other girly-girl, and so mix boyish things into almost every aspect in my life possible. for example, jaws drop when acquaintances discover my all-time favorite music genres are hard rock and some metal. i want to be different, and my deepest pleasure is watching my All Blacks rip up the field when i get the chance. i'm obsessed with insects and love spiders. i prefer gritty war movies and shoot 'em up action flicks to romance (although i've recently come to despise james bond). my deepest desire is to travel the world as much as i can, accompanied or not; i desperately want to get out there and survive the odds with a Bible in one hand and pepper spray in the other. don't wear much makeup, and i hate shopping (unless it's for food). i don't care about my nails and when i write or read in my spare time, i like images that scratch scents and sights into my mind that take me far, far away from rainbows and unicorns. and yet...i faint when someone talks to me about knee surgery in graphic detail or describes how they stitched up their husbands gashed hand with a thick sewing needle and thread?

perhaps it's confusing, but it's me.

i DO want to be feminine, though - as much as it baffles me - and this is my overall outward appearance, i fancy. last night, while talking with my beloved cousin, we discovered that the reason why St. Valentine's Day is my absolute most favorite holiday (third from 1. Easter 2. Christmas) is because i get to be sappy and romantic for one whole day w/o rebuke! i get to sing love songs and eat candy and spend all day long in God's Word and watch chick flicks. after that, i'm done until the next year. i also love february just because it's on the verge of spring and Easter. on top of that, i love the word/name Valentine. it's so unique and so...so...unusual. it makes me think of red velvet, red cake, roses, and a sweet taste.

yes, i have decided to dedicate this page to my explorations in love and life, keeping it secret and locked up from everything else. maybe i'll write about things i learn, essay-style...

in closing, these lyrics from Skillet's CD, Collide, describe where i want to be before i ever indulge in love with someone:

Your touch, Your ways
leave me dumb without reason
Your love, my cage
my prison so pleasing
I spend my days
tangled in thoughts of You
stuck in this place
resigned to be Your fool

i thirst no longer
drenching my soul
pour out like water

You're my only infatuation
don't leave me stranded
in my obsession
my purpose, my possession
live and die in my obsession
my obsession

come down to me
don't ever say that it's over
i kiss Your feet
worship the air You breathe
Your love, my gift
You go and i will follow
my dream, my wish
don't leave me here so helpless

i thirst no longer
drenching my soul
pour out like water

You're my only infatuation
don'g leave me stranded
in my obsession
my purpose, my possession
live and die in my obsession
my obsession

am i a lunatic?
i'm going crazy
for just a word from
for just a touch from You
and i'm exploding like chemicals
i'm going crazy, can't get enough