emo

it seems like
he got what he wanted
from me

and then

threw me away.

"what can i do to make him notice me?"

nothing.

nothing toward him.

don't call him. don't write a little note with a smiley face or a flower or fish under the signature and put it in his mailbox. don't slide up to him and gasp, 'i've just got to talk to you!' don't look woebegone, don't ignore him, don't pursue him, don't do him favors, don't talk about him to nine carefully selected listeners..

there is one thing you can do: turn the whole business over to God. if he's the man God has for you, 'no good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly' (psalm 84.11). direct your energies to obedience, not to nailing the man. God has His own methods of getting the two of you together. He doesn't need any help or advice from you.

Lord, my heart is fragile and delicate and too easily broken. i've tried my hand at making things work, but without giving heed to Your wisdom. my heart has been broken and my emotions bruised.

i ask You to take and guard my heart.

i will choose not to entertain thoughts and emotions of love which cause me to give my heart away too readily. i will come quickly to You when i start feeling like i'm in love. please be the Lord of my heart and my emotions until that day when You bring to me the right man You have prepared for me.

purified

that's the only word i can inject into the title bar...it's the only way to describe this beautiful process of melting back into a new mold based on the girl i used to be before my mental fling. this is my favorite part of...whatever this is...discipline?

God immediately points out the area He wants cleaned: the boy's space in my head was much too large in comparison to my First Love's position, and that needed to be compensated/re-arranged. I struggle, fight, compromise, wrestle with the issue, try to regain emotional control, and eventually drop my arms to my side in breathless exhaustion. It is then - and only then - that i have successfully (yet unpurposefully) vanquished any self-made image of pride in my mind, forcing me to realize that i'm helpless against this uncontrolled, sinful situation. I quickly recognize that God is the only One who can clean up the mess. my primary part in this self-defeating saga results in such an epiphany - it is my sole purpose to see how useless my will-power is against sin unless it is backed with the power of God.

now is my absolute most favorite part, as aforementioned. God steps in at the moment i submit and gently removes the ocean of tortured feelings sloshing around the fields of my brain, replacing it with sane, logical thought. yay! my brain is back! this step began to sink in somewhere around the 14th or the 15th, and i didn't see it coming until sometime yesterday. God is awesome; i love the way He makes me new and renews me in such a way that i can see it right away. He shakes things up just enough to make me uncomfortable or uncertain, but by the time it's over, i can look around and see unwanted, sneaky bits of fleshly indulgence i would never have noticed if He hadn't come along and pruned them away. praise God He never gives up on us! sometimes i'm tempted to think, "God, what did i do this time?" but He's so patient, and life is SWEET when He's through with trimming filthy habits.

This past experience made me realize how uncontrolled i am when i think someone likes me; it's a cautionary warning i must pay heed to. i'm often disappointed to see how immature i truly am, but it motivates me all the more to pursue God in such a way that i become something more beautiful and more mature than before. He's glorious and good, and i love Him! now i'm seeking Him through many books, and trying to understand how i can be ready for the next encounter with love or lust by researching them in biblical contexts and Christian books. i want to write about what i learn.

sermon

today in church a message was given that covered a multitude of verses describing the unfathomably rich relationship we have with Christ according to the doctrine of eternal security. i was reassured that my salvation is secure regardless of what happens around me, and i am incapable of giving my salvation back to God, even should there be a day when i desire to disown Him and tire of His path. (there never will be such a day as far as i'm concerned...i may be Peter, but after only 14 years of knowing Him, i have not yet come to crave such a thing)
we plowed through much Scripture, but in application to this sort of thing, romans 8:38-9 stands solid through the stripping sands of time. Rest assured that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord, amen!

while some argue that they can shrug out of God's grace and push aside the salvation they've already accepted, they are naive to recognize a few important facts of God's ways - which are well-known to be higher than our own! first off, God cannot do all things. that's right: He can't go against His nature. God can't lie, He can't deceive, He can't act contrary to who He is simply because of who He is and always has been. again and again, Scripture says that He is unchanging. in fact, just today i found a verse that says, "Of old You laid the foundation of the earth, and the heavens are the work of Your hands. They will perish, but You will endure; yes, they will all grow old like a garment; like a cloak You will change them, and they will be changed. But You are the same, and Your years will have no end. The children of Your servants will continue, and their descendants will be established before You." (Psalm 102:25-28) God is unchanging, and God is, essentially, bigger than us. if God cannot alter Himself, what makes us think we have any power over the power He has over us? we can't even always make animals do what we want!

once His grace has saved us, we can't just shrug it off; it's already been permanently implanted into the heart of who we are as human beings. we can change shoes, we can change locations, but we can't suddenly be genetically asian if we're white. God made us new creatures (2 Corinthians 5:16-21), and today our pastor alluded to an illustration where, let's say you had a heart attack. you manage to make it into an ER, and the surgeon finds the perfect heart needed to replace your old, broken one. the operation is a success! you thank him a million times, and years down the road, it's still thumping strong in your chest. but for some reason, you suddenly decide you don't want it anymore, so you approach your life-saving surgeon and demand that he put the old one back in your chest. he throws up his hands, claiming that he won't break the hippocratic oath, knowing that it would be a stupid move to dig up your old heart (which is loooong gone) to put it back in. in frustration, you not only hold fast to the idea that you're going to get your nasty, rotten heart back, but you decide that YOU will be the one to operate!

the same concept is applicable to God; He is the great surgeon, and once He removed your heart of stone, He tossed it. you can't get it back. all sales are final. you're stuck with the thriving, living Holy Spirit of God, and a pumping, beating heart of flesh pulsing with the blood of a spotless Lamb slain for you. this offers endless comfort to me, to know that i am secure and nothing i can do will persuade God to leave me. praise God!!! He is faithful to the end!!

sweet release

at this point in time i would spontaneously combust on my other blog, randomly shouting that: "Boys are STUPID!" when the problem is not the boy, so much as to the sheer quantity of my thoughts directed toward him; i despise whatever object absolutely consumes my thoughts, whether it's living or not. interestingly, i ever hunger to be thinking constantly about the Lord.

this, to me, demonstrates the supernatural condition enveloping a relationship with Him. it's mysterious and fascinating that - of all things - the thought of God doesn't frustrate me as it normally would, due to the unfortunate fact that i can't be with Him or prove His existence by anything outside of a final leap of trust. He has always been proven through true science, but humans can't believe in Him purely through all that is seen, and must depend on the faith He issues out to those He chooses. (according to the scripturally sound doctrine of predestination/election as displayed originally in God's initial choice to bestow blessings on Abraham's children [Deut 7]; New Testament instances are recorded everywhere, but my favorite is Ephesians 1:3-6)

i talked to my cousin again, and we decided that it would be best for me not to write to him or check my email until at least three weeks' time (i decided, and she's holding me accountable)

reasoning God and thinking about Him is perhaps the MOST peaceful thing i've done all day, and it puts my mind in a state of unbelievable rest to merely talk about Him and study the deep truths of the Bible. i wish i didn't have to sleep!

scarce

there are so many thoughts beating through my mind, i can barely think.
i am full of remorse and frustration at myself for not noticing how far i could stray from my precious God. i foolishly let persistent memories continually resurface and become a future in and of themselves, and willingly submitted my heart to those desires without giving a second thought. i told myself it wouldn't hurt, and i wouldn't be distracted from my walk, but i was wrong.

a song is rolling through the radio by pillar. it's called rewind, and i'm singing it to Jesus now.

it seems just like yesterday was the first time that i heard You call my name
since then so much has changed
i'm still the same man that i was before
knowing that i could be without anything scares me away from being alone
now that i know what's going on, i can look back and see You
i made You wait as i turned away

if i could rewind and watch all my life just pass me by
i could see You if i could rewind
i'd take back the lies and all of those times i hurt You
i don't know if i'll ever know exactly how much that i hurt You

knowing that hurts me every day

if i could rewind
i would take it away and not make You wait and i won't walk away

I wanna take back all those lies
I wanna take back all those times
I wanna show You with my life that I'm here for You

God doesn't need me, but i definitely need Him.

morning falls

some days feel like fighting through a swirling wall of tar.
i keep trying to fall into temptation while secretly hoping it won't happen. it's a stupid way to live a life in Christ - seeing as your heart's goal is to avoid tripping at all costs - but for the past five days or so, i have been analyzing and picking a relationship apart in a weak attempt to draw out a reason "why" i like a certain fellow who is currently unattainable.

i have already determined that now is definitely not the time to be interested in him, since both of us have much growing to do, and i'm already a little older than he is. however, the reasons i've pulled in favor of having an interest in him at all have nurtured my feelings even more. very unwise! indeed, although i am satisfied to realize the reasons why i'm attracted to him, now i must combat the emotions that come with that peace of mind until a later date when God may (or very well may not, in which case i trust i'll be perfectly content since i cannot intimately understand His every thought in this life) provide an outlet for my now-semi-controlled infatuation in a future relationship with this person.

until then, i am occupied with books i would highly recommend to anyone reading this journal. the best one so far is the one i'm reading currently; it's called not even a hint by Joshua Harris, an author i'm sure many may be well-acquainted with for his book I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Boy Meets Girl. i'm reading the former book as well, and it has a wealth of godly advice; i would recommend all of his books! not even a hint is an excellent book for its bold declarations of struggles we have as humans in the realm of lust, and it's helping me through my troubles quite a bit.

last night, as i was reading a paragraph he wrote at the end of chapter six, left me thinking seriously about marriage as a goal i should be striving for, and i have decided that i ought to begin shaping my heart into something beautiful for whoever it is i will marry.

i'm not a mushy person when it comes to falling in love, and if my mom finds this website at any given point in time, i'm sure she would be overjoyed. she's always known i want to be married, but the doubts that have grown in her mind are - i'm sure - overwhelming.

i'm always so resistant to sappy things just because i have an intense desire not to be like every other girly-girl, and so mix boyish things into almost every aspect in my life possible. for example, jaws drop when acquaintances discover my all-time favorite music genres are hard rock and some metal. i want to be different, and my deepest pleasure is watching my All Blacks rip up the field when i get the chance. i'm obsessed with insects and love spiders. i prefer gritty war movies and shoot 'em up action flicks to romance (although i've recently come to despise james bond). my deepest desire is to travel the world as much as i can, accompanied or not; i desperately want to get out there and survive the odds with a Bible in one hand and pepper spray in the other. don't wear much makeup, and i hate shopping (unless it's for food). i don't care about my nails and when i write or read in my spare time, i like images that scratch scents and sights into my mind that take me far, far away from rainbows and unicorns. and yet...i faint when someone talks to me about knee surgery in graphic detail or describes how they stitched up their husbands gashed hand with a thick sewing needle and thread?

perhaps it's confusing, but it's me.

i DO want to be feminine, though - as much as it baffles me - and this is my overall outward appearance, i fancy. last night, while talking with my beloved cousin, we discovered that the reason why St. Valentine's Day is my absolute most favorite holiday (third from 1. Easter 2. Christmas) is because i get to be sappy and romantic for one whole day w/o rebuke! i get to sing love songs and eat candy and spend all day long in God's Word and watch chick flicks. after that, i'm done until the next year. i also love february just because it's on the verge of spring and Easter. on top of that, i love the word/name Valentine. it's so unique and so...so...unusual. it makes me think of red velvet, red cake, roses, and a sweet taste.

yes, i have decided to dedicate this page to my explorations in love and life, keeping it secret and locked up from everything else. maybe i'll write about things i learn, essay-style...

in closing, these lyrics from Skillet's CD, Collide, describe where i want to be before i ever indulge in love with someone:

Your touch, Your ways
leave me dumb without reason
Your love, my cage
my prison so pleasing
I spend my days
tangled in thoughts of You
stuck in this place
resigned to be Your fool

i thirst no longer
drenching my soul
pour out like water

You're my only infatuation
don't leave me stranded
in my obsession
my purpose, my possession
live and die in my obsession
my obsession

come down to me
don't ever say that it's over
i kiss Your feet
worship the air You breathe
Your love, my gift
You go and i will follow
my dream, my wish
don't leave me here so helpless

i thirst no longer
drenching my soul
pour out like water

You're my only infatuation
don'g leave me stranded
in my obsession
my purpose, my possession
live and die in my obsession
my obsession

am i a lunatic?
i'm going crazy
for just a word from
for just a touch from You
and i'm exploding like chemicals
i'm going crazy, can't get enough

introduction

one other blog exists under my name. tonight, though, i was slightly discouraged in its purpose. i don't post what i really want to post, and the closer i draw toward my desired subject of writing, the more i totter in uncertainty as to whether or not such things ought to be spoken of.

i fear the results it might produce in those who read my reflections, concerned that they should perceive my thoughts as typically uncharacteristic or too personal to be scripted on the public web. i don't mind strangers' eyes as long as God is glorified in whatever i type, and that is what i intend to do with these secret contemplations, these honest conceptions.